Hello. My name is Scott and I’m addicted to subscription boxes

I’m here today because I have a problem. I need everything in my life delivered to my lazy ass on a regular schedule or I’m just not happy.

It started with my subscription to Walden Local Meat. For a little more than five years I’ve gotten a frosty bag of grass fed meats dropped off on my porch once a month. I can now say conclusively that animals who’ve had a happier life are more delicious. You can taste the freedom.

I’ve augmented this with a weekly delivery from Imperfect foods. A variety of produce, grains, snacks, and dairy magically appears at the Colby Estate in a classy pink box. Having so many fresh fruits and vegetables on hand has been a game changer. In the past, I’d only buy what I specifically needed for whatever I was planning to make in the next few days. The Scott of eight months ago was so, so dumb. I haven’t been to Stop and Shop since October and I absolutely don’t miss that wonderful experience.

Living alone for the first time…well, there are a lot of things I need to make this studio apartment feel a little less like a room at the Holiday Inn. Enter Bespoke Post, who specialize in random sort-of-manly crap. My first two monthly boxes were a pancake breakfast kit (pancake mix, a cast iron skillet, a classy leather sleeve for the skillet’s handle, and a bottle of Bloody Mary mix) and a set of beer glasses. There is something really nice about drinking a trendy IPA out of a proper vessel.

Most recently I’ve joined the Microbrewed Craft Beer of the Month Club. I am not even close to the drunk I used to be, but I want to get some use out of those new glasses. My first shipment included a dozen cans from Diamond Bear Brewing Company (the OG craft beer of Arkansas, if the in-box literature is to be believed) and DuClaw Brewing (out of Baltimore). Good stuff.

So what’s next? I’m considering a clothing box, although the last time I tried that they sent me a racist shirt and wanted me to pay to return it. Some sort of monthly chocolate box sounds also sounds scrumptious. Perhaps wine or cheese, since I’ve been working to expand my Masshole sensibilities beyond “whatever’s on sale at the market up the street.”

I’ve realized in my new pandemic reality that I’m craving variety. Buying local is great and all, and I’ve done plenty of that, but such a strategy is itself severely limiting – and in a world where your options are already severely restricted local just ain’t enough.

So. Ya’ll got any more of those subscriptions? Something vaguely trendy, in a nice box? Oh. Ooooooh yeah. That’s the shit. Inject it right into my veins.

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