Scott’s election night survival guide

  1. Grab your favorite booze. Trust me: you’re gonna want a little of the ol’ brain lube for this one. Election night’s going in deep and raw and hard. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Me? I realized I haven’t had a Manhattan in a while, so I’m switching to cocktails for the night.
  2. Make sure there’s food. This is not something to face on an empty stomach. Have a big comfort food dinner and make sure there are snacks at the ready. I’m thinking it’s a good night to order a chicken parm sub from my favorite deli.
  3. Check on your favorite blanket and pajamas. This is going to difficult enough; scrambling to find your Winnie the Pooh snuggie at the last minute is additional stress you just don’t need. My Bruins hoodie is freshly laundered and ready to go.
  4. Find something fun to watch or play. Tune the TV to that special something you know will keep you calm and content. I’m probably going to alternate between watching Dr. Pol pop goat abscesses and fighting the forces of evil in Destiny 2.
  5. Know when to cut yourself off. Just because all your coworkers are going to be hungover on the 10 am Zoom call doesn’t mean you need to be. This could be your chance to finally bury Jeanine in accounting once and for all. I’m a multi-time All-Massachusetts Working Hungover Champion, but I’m holding myself to two Manhattans.
  6. Get some fucking sleep. A good night’s rest will help you face the rest of the week. I’ll be in bed by 11:30.
  7. Plan for a nice breakfast. If you have to run out into the streets to dropkick fascism, you’ll want to do it on a full stomach. Pancakes and sausage, anyone?

“But Scott Colby!” I can hear you screeching through your laptop microphone, which I just hacked, “none of that has anything to do with the election!”


There’s no point in staying up late to watch election coverage til the crack of dawn, pickling your liver and stressing yourself out. It’s not going to be entertaining. You’re not going to learn anything new or useful listening to Anderson Cooper desperately grasp for meaning in the way-too-early returns or watching Slightly Puffier Anderson Cooper dick around with his red and blue Google Maps on a giant iPad. Nobody wants to stare at fucking Florida all night.

And don’t even think about looking at social media. Uncle Cletus’s fresh ramblings about how George Soros is paying Joe Biden to bulldoze the wall will still be waiting for you at Thanksgiving dinner. Remember: your uncle’s a lot easier to deal with when you can fantasize about dumping the cranberry sauce on his head.

If there’s a conclusive result, you’ll hear about it Wednesday morning. If there isn’t…well, there’s not much you can do about it Tuesday night anyway, unless you’re a wizard or the owner of a time machine, in which case…seriously bro, why didn’t you step in months ago?

So just ignore the election coverage. Let this thing play itself out. Stuff your face, rest up, and take care of yourself so you can be at your best if it turns out the country needs you. It’s what Ben Franklin would do. Probably.

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