The pandemic is coming. There’s nothing we can do to stop it, so we might as well lean into it and make it a good time. This handy-dandy guide to pre-quarantine shopping will transform your coronavirus into an awesome Corona beach party.
- Rice and beans. A hearty source of calories, protein, and thunderous farts with which to amuse yourself and your friends. Also a solid side dish if you have to eat your neighbor’s cat.
- Booze. If you’re going to be stuck at home for a few weeks you might as well get tanked. A certain cerveza the ignorant masses aren’t buying should be available at deep discounts relatively soon. Personally I’m focusing on single bottles of high gravity craft beer I can imbibe from my favorite goblet while staring out the window at our declining civilization, sighing heavily like a disappointed gentleman.
- Decorations! Don’t let your blank walls drive you crazy; turn your curfew into cur-fun! Plastic palm trees, a few buckets of sand, and a white noise machine tuned to the sound of soothing ocean waves can turn any living room into a tropical island paradise! Or perhaps you could trim your kitchen with spikes and skulls as a test run for the post apocalyptic gang lair you’ll build when you become the local warlord after civilization collapses! Let your imagination run free!
- Dildo/fleshlight/waifu pillow/package of fresh gym socks. After you’ve set the mood with your new decor and steady stream of booze, you’re going to get horny. Don’t forget the lube!
- Stash of unlocked iPhones. Supply chain issues in China will likely lead to a shortage of expensive gadgets. Buy a bunch of these and sell them when the price spikes to fund your growing wasteland barony.
- Two-by-four with a nail stuck through it. This one’s a classic. Protect your rice and beans! Defend the honor of your plush anime girlfriend! Scare starving orphans off your porch! Hours of fun in an affordable, easy to store package.
- Garbage bags. You don’t want to get stuck with an overflowing bin, and you might need an easy means of hiding a few bodies.
Scott Land 