Farts should be protected speech

Recently, a young Austrian man was fined for farting in the general direction of a police officer approaching him and his friends in a park for an identity check. In court, the man tried to argue that this fine is ridiculous because his flatulence should be protected under his freedom of expression. The presiding judgeContinue reading “Farts should be protected speech”

2021 MLB mini-preview

Happy Opening Day! It’s time for my annual preview of Major League Baseball’s upcoming season. I’m going to skip my usual division by division predictions because those make me look like a fool and, frankly, because most of the league isn’t that interesting this year. My hat’s off to any writers masochistic enough to crankContinue reading “2021 MLB mini-preview”

Down with the salary cap!

In the last decade, the amount of financial terminology required to understand team building in modern professional sports has exploded. Salary cap! Salary floor! Base salary! Bonus structure! Guaranteed money! Team options! Player options! Arbitration! Super2! Service time! Trade kicker! Trade exception! Sign and trade! Luxury tax! Repeat luxury tax offender penalties! Over slot draftContinue reading “Down with the salary cap!”

Ever had sleep paralysis?

I have. It’s freaky shit, which is why I remember each case even though it’s only happened to me three times in my life. If you’re not familiar with the phenomenon, here’s the skinny. You fall asleep as you normally do. Maybe you’re flat on your back. Maybe you’re spooning your expensive new waifu pillow.Continue reading “Ever had sleep paralysis?”

And the worst word of the pandemic is…

Learning! Online learning! Virtual learning! Remote learning! In-person learning! On site learning! Learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning, learning! Familiarity certainly breeds contempt. The word is now nastier than “moist” and more cringe-inducing than “panties.” If I’m eating a big meal at the dinner table with my family andContinue reading “And the worst word of the pandemic is…”

Is it weird…

…that I’m oddly preoccupied with my bottle of fish oil capsules? Like, it says it’s 100% Alaskan, but how do I know some grouper from Kentucky didn’t sneak his way in there? …that I find it cathartic to see the virtual players I found most frustrating in the first season of my MLB: The ShowContinue reading “Is it weird…”

More on meditation

It turns out this new habit I picked up a few months ago as a means of stress relief is good for so much more than shutting down my own inner monologue. Now, I’m good at it. Most days I can take my seat and close my eyes and slip right into a meditative stateContinue reading “More on meditation”

Got some ideas for ya, Joe

Hours after taking the oath of office, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. signed about a dozen executive orders rescinding some of his predecessor’s bullshit and charting a course toward a more inclusive, climate conscious future. It’s an excellent start. As the world’s foremost expert on everything, however, I’ve got some more things he could doContinue reading “Got some ideas for ya, Joe”

On 2020

So 2020 sucked, right? That’s the prevailing wisdom. I don’t think that’s quite right. Think back to January and February. How was life back then? What did you expect out of the next twelve months? Chances are that was a better time for you, and that if your outlook wasn’t super rosy you probably hadContinue reading “On 2020”

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